I'm Gonna Smile, Even if it Kills Me
by incendiary-wit
Summary: Roger and Mimi break up...for the last time no, neither one of them dies. I hate how Mimi always has to die. Rated for swear words and slight allusions to slash.


Title: I'm Gonna Smile

Rating: R for swear words (angry Mimi has a dirty mouth)

Summary: Mimi never thought he would leave her. After everything she'd thought they had… Mimi's POV

"This has to end, I'm sorry," Roger wasn't looking at me, his eyes gazed out the window as he said the words that brought my world to a crashing, fiery end.

I felt the tears falling down my face and I sobbed quietly for only a minute, before I dragged my hands across my face to wipe them away. "But I thought…I thought you loved me?"

"I did. For a while. But now…" Roger trailed off, looking in my direction, but not into my eyes.

"Now? But…I…I gave up everything that I felt safe in for you," I didn't just mean the smack. "I trusted you. You kept begging and begging me to trust you and I finally do and all of a sudden, you don't love me anymore?"

Roger's voice wavered, "I'm sorry. I feel so guilty about this, but I'm…in love…"

My heart sank to my toes, "In love?", I managed to say.

"With Mark."

"Mark?" I questioned. "But…but…" I couldn't finish a thought. The man I was in love with, was in love with one of our closest friends.

"I didn't mean for it to happen…but last week…we…kissed. And I liked it. God, did I like it," he sighed and stared at the ground.

"You kissed him?" I felt my misery changing into anger, "And what? Did you have to think about it for a week? Why didn't you do this a week ago when it happened? Did you want to fuck me a few more times to make sure? Or maybe you wanted to make me believe we had something worthwhile here, before you told me you were fucking your roommate?"

Roger cringed, "I'm-"

"STOP SAYING YOU'RE FUCKING SORRY!" I screamed. My voice dropped to a dangerously low level, I was a bit like Maureen in the drama queen department so Roger knew that when I stopped screaming was the time I was really angry, "I don't want to hear it, you asshole. I'll be over at Maureen and Joanne's," I walk out slamming the door as hard as I could.

Roger looked at me and waved his hand in my face.

I blinked and realized the last few minutes, I had daydreamed about what I wanted to say and do. I looked at Roger, his beautiful blue eyes filled with agony, and I just couldn't. I couldn't give in to my livid urges and make him feel worse, though I really wanted him to feel worse. I wanted him to feel just like his heart had been ripped out and crushed with a bulldozer, I wanted him to feel like I did. But I couldn't.

"I want you two to be happy," I said.

His head snapped up to meet my eyes, "What?"

I forced a smile, knowing it would be a hollow one, "It's true. I want the both of you to be happy then. I take myself out of the picture."

"You're not…unhappy?" he stumbled with his words.

I nodded, "Yeah, but I'm a tough one," one more fake smile, "I'll be okay. I love you and if being with Mark makes you happy, go be happy."

"I…I'm sorry," Roger took a few steps back and seemed ready to run to Mark as soon as he knew I was going to be fine.

Which I knew I never was. I was never going to be whole again, not after this. It took all my strength to say what I knew he wanted to hear, more emotionally than physically, "Go to him," I heard myself saying.

And with a mumbled, "I'm sorry, Meems," and a last sad look at me, he left.

I fell against the wall and slid down to the ground. I wrapped my arms around my knees and sobbed, crying for the plans we'd made that would never come true, the children we'd never have, the life together that was gone forever. I wept because I knew I couldn't get away from this. Despite this, Mark, Maureen, Joanne, Collins, and Roger were my only friends now and I wasn't going to be able to walk away from all of them.

I just sat in that corner, vaguely realizing it was the 'emo corner', as I had dubbed it when Roger would just sit with an open notebook staring out the window and writing angsty lyrics. That should have tipped me off, even when we were together, he still didn't believe in love conquering all. I stared through my tears at the ground, just getting every ounce of sadness out of my system, because I knew Roger would be back to pick up the stuff he left at my place and I didn't want him to see me cry. I was never going to let him see me cry.

_You can't help how you don't feel and it doesn't matter why_

_So I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy_

_Laugh so you can't see me cry_

_I'm going to let you go in style_

_And, even if it kills me,_

_I'm gonna smile_


End file.
